fuck.

so i realize i haven't updated this in over a year.

i plan on changing that.

i'm really.. different. i don't know how to put what i want to say into words. everything is changing for me and while i feel like i've finally made some positive decisions about my own life, i still feel like nothing is stable and nothing is even going to way i really want it to.

last night i broke down and cried and felt so pathetic. i hurt. i was physically in pain as i cried and i haven't felt like THAT in quite a long, long time.

i'm single. but i don't FEEL single. i'm still pretty close with my most recent exboyfriend but i think that's going to be a bad thing because i know i still feel guilty about things. like, i shouldn't feel guilty about talking to another of my exes, but i DO. like no matter what, he's haunting me. and it frustrates me because i broke up with him in order to live my life the way that i want to live it. and i'm still not doing that. but i don't know HOW to do it.

and now i'm just frustrated even more. fuck.

Babies & weather.

My brother & sister-in-law came over this afternoon and just left. It was interesting.

The subject of babies came up. I mean. That's normal, seeing as though my sister-in-law is pregnant. I think it's starting to be more real, since Vicky's getting bigger by the second, it seems. I can't WAIT to have a baby around. :) They're pretty sure it's a boy, which will be exciting, since I already have a niece. I'm not sure how my brother's feeling, though. I think he's still shell-shocked. aha. Anyway, I guess it was a nice afternoon. The baby conversation got me wondering about baby boys. Vicky made some comment about diaper changing/getting peed on, and something about baby boners? wth? I'm wondering if it is even POSSIBLE for a three day old baby boy to have a boner.

Weird.

Anyway.

Um. I think that's all I feel like rambling about.

Oh and I'm hungry. And ready for today & tomorrow to be over. Except I just heard it might rain tomorrow, and that excites me. Actually, it doesn't excite me if it's a big storm, because my boyfriend is flying into San Francisco from Los Angeles. It would not be good to have a delay, a problem, or any such thing. Fingers crossed.

Ramble-age.

 Today I have nothing interesting to post. Well, I say that ASSUMING my other posts have been interesting.. guess I shouldn't assume.

I just figured I'd ramble on a little. I'm in the mood to do something.

Today is my last day of work. I'm just now feeling a little anxious about what I'll do for moo-lah. I'm already registered for six classes for the Spring semester. Yoga, Sociology: Marriage & Family Relations, Math (lame algebra IIish course), Psychology: Personality Theories, Environmental Sciences, and English 200 (which I'll probably drop..). Three of those are online classes. Anyway, my point was that I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to find another job. Now I see that that is probably futile, since I'm stingy about dipping into my savings account, and I'll probably have to. Rawr.

But I'll keep working off for a while, I think. I just need a break. Then I'll probably end up being bored out of my mind from sitting at home, so I'll be off in search of a job. Also, even though my paychecks now are pretty damn skimpy, it's still nice to have some incoming funds every two weeks.

I need to stop worrying about it.

In other news. Next Monday is me & my boyfriend's one year anniversary. Oohlala. I don't know what we're going to do. I know that I'm leaving the next day to go with my best friend & her family up to Tahoe, and he is leaving the next day to go with his college best friend down to Southern California (where the best friend lives). So we won't get to spend that night together, but perhaps the night before. I don't know. We'll see. It's so crazy to think we've been together a year. After our history, and all we've been through.. eesh. Still going strong though. We've been doing the long-distance thing since the end of August now. And FINALLY, after all these months, I feel a little more settled in and accustomed to. Mind you that does not mean I like it. It just means I've finally KIND OF accepted it. Eh.

K, that's kind of a depressing subject too.

Does anyone else like V8 juice? I've found that it's actually alright. Like, not that flavored stuff in a jug. I mean like the classic cans of 100% veggie juice. My mom buys it by the freakin kilo, so it's my new way of not feeling guilty if I don't eat the recommended number of fruits/veggies per day. I feel lame now..

I had a dream last night about getting a tattoo. Funny, cus before I went to bed, I was telling my boyfriend how I had been pondering the whole subject of me getting a tattoo. Again. I've been going back and forth since before I turned 18. I still can't decide. Eh, I've got the rest of my life to make up my mind, I suppose. Funny, I'll never again NOT be able to get a tattoo. Weird.

Anyways, I suppose I'll shut up now. Toodles. :) OH, before I go.. me & my boyfriend. -- :)

Let go of holding on.

She'd decided that there was absolutely no rhyme, reason, pattern... anything to explain why bad days happened. She'd always heard that your mood is up to you, and your day is what you make it. When she was in a good mood, this was certainly an appealing thought. But on this day, of course it was everyone else's fault.

Three days ago she'd felt close to okay about "the situation." Two days ago her points dropped, but she still felt relatively confident. Yesterday, something invisible had knocked all her defenses down, leaving her poignantly vulnerable for today.

She knew it was seeing him as many times as she had. She knew it was the fleeting contact she herself had initiated. She kenw it was stupid and pathetic. But the painful silence drove dull nails into every inch of her soul. Standing the silence any longer would make her scream out for release, she knew. And no one at all cared to hear that scream. So her torture was self-inflicted, but always, for that one small moment, it felt like flying. She kept asking herself if that one small stretch of time was worth it.

Because she'd gone through the same agony over and over, and then over again, she had realized long ago that it wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it.

It's always the time in-between that hurts the most. More than the time when you're being hurt. More than physical pain. The time speant healing, or trying to heal, does so much harm.

She knew that while he was a priority to her, he had in turn made her an option. Sometimes she wondered if she could ever open herself fully to all the painful truths. Maybe it just wasn't possible. Maybe if she opened up too far, it would kill her. Sometimes, she did not feel like a total failure. This was because she knew, in a lot of ways, how pathetic she was. How idiotic the situation was. She knew how the pain she was in could be halted. It was just going to take time.

The answer to a lot of her troubles was cutting off contact. For two weeks, they had done just that. The time spent without him, she knew, had greatly helped her perspective. But not a day had gone by that he didn't cross her mind. She doubted he'd done her the same courtesy.

And that was precisely why moving on was imperative. He meant much more to her that she ever would to him.

This caused wrenching pain inside her. It would take, she was absolutely positive, so, so long for her to ever feel abut another person the way she had allowed herself to feel about him. Not anymore, of course, were her feelings as recklessly deep and heartfelt as they truly had been once, but she remembered without a falter what it did feel like. Being so in lust... those had been the best days of her most recent life. To go back... she believed she could do it in a heartbeat. But it would be different. To go back in time... now that would be the key. No, the key was changing the outcome. Changing the ending to something with a little more sunshine.

But another step of the long, seemingly unbearable process was accepting that she could change nothing.

Would she be triumphant in this journey? So much doubt clouded her mind and then turned to a torrent of rain on her face, as she tried so hard to give up and hold on at the same time to the love insider her.

------

[[march of '07]]

I started out with happy intentions.

My bestest friend came home as a surprise over Thanksgiving break. :) I wasn't expecting to see her, and then magically, she was home. I got to see her for a grand total of one afternoon, but she'll be back for a longer period of time over Christmas break.

I was relieved to see that being away at a major university has not changed her (in any horrific ways). She's not tainted. She's my same Katy, and I miss her so much. If anything, she's just matured a little more. She is obviously coming into her own, and she's enjoying a new life. What makes this okay for me is that I know she misses home and the way things were.

I want so much to be like her. I want to be that kind of girl who adapts easily to new situations, who is excited about anything new, and isn't sad or homesick because she knows it will always be there waiting. I'm such the opposite of that. I have a love-hate relationship with change. If it's a small change (i.e., new TV, new cell phone, bagel sale) I can deal. Anything bigger than a doctor's appointment being bumped an hour, though, and I kind of freak out in my own way. I also want so much to be okay with moving off to college (hell, just moving off anywhere for any reason), to live in a new place, without the comfort of home. I have such a great relationship with my mom, and I love her so much. I hate the thought of not seeing her, of not having her around.

This is when I start feeling like a baby. Like I'm eight years old and have to be tucked in at night. But I'm NOT eight years old. I'm almost 19 years old. I can vote. I can gamble. I own my own car. I pay my own credit card bill. And yet I'm afraid of moving away and having my own complete independence.

I just wish I could flip a switch in myself and realize that I CAN do it. I can tell myself all the rational things - "you're going to be fine," and "mom's only a phone call/3 hour drive away," and "YOU'RE AN ADULT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT," but somehow, that's not much solace. Some might say it just takes time and maturity. Sure. I agree to an extent. Another part of me realizes how good I have it right now, living at home (comfort of my mother, no rent, no bills other than my car's registration and credit card, free food, etc) and I'm afraid of NOT having it that good in the "real world."

I also then picture dorm life and how I would definitely not fit in.

Sometimes I think I just need to jump. Because I also think I joined the adult world too young, that I didn't get the same chance as my friends & peers. They all jumped into Phase II of Adolecence: College+Dorm Life. And Here I am. I didn't jump into Phase II. I jumped into Phase I of Adulthood. I jumped into going to bed early because I have to wake up early for work. I jumped into the joke of commununity college and hoping I can stretch my paycheck to the end of the month. I already don't party, don't drink, don't do drugs because I realize how pointless and damaging it is. All of the friends and peers are doing that more heavily because they think it's their right as young people to party it up now. This is why I wouldn't fit into dorm life.

I wonder if it's possible to shake the world I'm in now, and sort of reverse into what I feel like I missed. It's only been six months since I graduated, and those six months have been the longest six months in my life. It's not that I want to be young and stupid, I just want to feel like it's okay to be young. It's okay to not worry so much. It's okay to prolong adulthood.

And I'm the only one who feels like I don't belong anywhere.

I miss Katy, and I miss the way things used to be.